Fighting

My Dearest Pineapple,

The strangest things happen when we fight.

First, you are well aware that I only really get mad when the accusations against me hurt my feelings.  I’m not really one to get cranky or upset if you complain about loading the dishwasher or taking out the trash.   But if what you’re saying feels like a personal attack, then I get upset.  Even though I know you don’t mean it that way.

I’ve fought with partners in the past.  Ugly, crying, yelling fights that in the end only left me feeling estranged and detached from them.  That only left us both feeling exhausted and wishing for a respite; a quiet place on opposite sides of the room where we could just sit and ignore the other person for awhile.

The extraordinary and revolutionary thing about fighting with you, my little pineapple, is that afterwards a couple of things happen:

1. Even if I’m *really really* angry at you, I still wish I was hugging you or holding you in my arms.  I might say I need space, and I likely do for a little while, but after I’ve taken that space, I just wish that we were together.

2. I feel closer to you than I did before we argued.

3. This is amazing to me.

I know we’ve both remarked on how incredible it is that once we’ve both had time to calm down and discuss things rationally, we feel even closer to each other.  We feel even closer as a couple.  I’m not sure if this is a normal thing or if this is a rarity, it’s not something I’ve experienced before.  But, I do know that it feels amazing.  It feels so so good.

I never used to believe that making up with someone was the best part of a fight.  In the past, making up usually entailed a begrudging acceptance on my part that I didn’t always feel comfortable in giving.  But, making up with you, how tender we are with each other afterwards, how sweet and kind, and that closeness….it almost makes me wish we were more contentious.  Almost.  Not really.  

The way we fight makes me feel secure.  Makes me feel safe.  That no matter what we might be arguing about at any given time isn’t going to make you leave.  We argue and we both want to stay and work it out.  I love that.

So, in a roundabout way, thank you for the fight we had two days ago.  Thank you for sticking it out with me.  Thank you for working it out with me.  Thank you for the safe space to argue where we both feel better afterwards.

All my love,

Bear Cub

Mushfest, line one

My dearest pineapple,

I’m about to head out the door for the majority of the afternoon for a dress rehearsal, but I wanted to take a minute before I ran out the door to tell you a little something…

I am 100%, head over heels, in love with you.

I know that people around us will say it’s too fast; too fast to feel so strongly; too fast to be so certain.  But, love, I know.  I just know.  I know it in the way you say my name.  I know it in how I feel when I lean in and kiss you and the feel of your lips against mine makes my heart beat faster.  I know it when we fall asleep on the couch during a movie and take the best nap ever.  I know it when we talk about plans for the future and I believe everything you tell me about where we’re going to live and what our wedding napkins will look like.  I know it when I fall asleep listening to you breathe.  I know it when we talk about our new last name.  I know it when I am more open and honest with you then anyone I’ve ever been with before.  I just…I just know it.

Time is the test of a love like ours.  We have some obstacles in our way that will make the next few months an interesting challenge, but I believe in us.  I believe in what lies ahead tomorrow, next week, next month, and next year.  That’s how much I love and trust you.

Thank you for believing in us as much as I do and for doing everything in your power to make this crazy, fast, powerful, beautiful love into the reality of my every day existence.

I am with you always, even through the challenging time and I love you.  I love you fully for everything you are in this moment.  Happiness resides in you, happiness resides in us.

All of my love,

Bear cub

“But I don’t want to be hurt…”

adayinthelesbianlife:

Isn’t that a great excuse? “I don’t want to be hurt. I don’t want to get too close because eventually they’ll leave me or die, and then I’ll be shattered.” Sure, you’ll be shattered, but how much better to be shattered with the thought, “We gave it everything we had.”

The ones who really suffer are those who know inside that things could have been much better, closer, more exciting - but they weren’t.

(via perennialetudiante)